I Was Once A Protestant Pastor

     

              I grew up in a protestant family. My parents were extremely devoted to church and I wanted to follow their example. I took a degree in theology and became a pastor. I saw that corruption and immorality got hold of my church really bad but I believed in God and in the Bible, and I wanted to make a change around me. When I started working, I completely lost faith in other members of my church. I was left without role models. This disappointment made me strive to work harder and change the circumstances as I remained more or less convinced about my relationship with God. As time passe by I gradually became aware that I was left with an empty tank. I realized that when others were not encouraging me, I wasn't encouraged. I realized that no matter how much I prayed or studied the Bible I will depend solely on circumstances around me. Then I started wondering do I really have a relationship with God.

                In my church, when a person doubts his or her relationship with God, it usually comes down to human errors while God is being vindicated. I will write a lot about human experience and its connection to proofs or disproofs of God's existence. But anyway, I was convinced that I was full of sin but the Bible and everything I know about God gave me a reason to believe that God can change me no matter how bad I am. But there was no God. I tried everything...and I was left with a feeling of emptiness. I felt completely alone when I needed God the most.

                I became aware that my faith was the faith of others and I couldn't find a celestial source of faith. I felt that all that was happening was a mere psychology - no spiritual dimension.

                I stopped believing in God. Than I believed again. My conviction about God's existence had its ups and downs. And as a mentioned in one of the precedent articles, I started writing because I have a desire of something greater - of something bigger than this life. Maybe it is really a desire of something else, or maybe this desire is a mere product of my protestant roots. I don't know. But It's really important that I find the answers. And I „believe“ that they are out there.